No Dogs Please
by Teddylonglong
Summary: ONE-SHOT. Just before the Christmas holidays of Harry's fifth Hogwarts year, Draco Malfoy hexes the teachers, causing Harry and his friends to have some interesting few days with far-reaching consequences for some. Completely AU!
**No Dogs Please**
 **by Healer Teddylonglong**

 _All recognizable characters belong to J. K. Rowling, and I am not earning anything by writing this story.  
I am not a native speaker of English. Please excuse my mistakes._

 **Completely AU!**

* * *

Together with his girlfriend, Hermione Granger, fifth-year Harry Potter eagerly waited for breakfast to end. Right after the meal, most of the students were going to return home for Christmas, while Hermione, Harry, Ginny, Ron and the twins were the only students remaining at Hogwarts.

 _'I can't wait to have some quality time with Hermione,'_ Harry thought in anticipation. A few months ago, Hermione had agreed to become his girlfriend after separating from Ron, apparently totally fed up with the experience of being together with the redhead.

He was brought back to reality, when someone shouted, "The carriages," and a huge tumulus broke out in the Great Hall, when hundreds of students stormed towards the entrance doors at the same time.

From the corner of his eyes, more or less accidentally, Harry took in how Draco Malfoy stood in the middle of the Great Hall, pointing his wand at the high table.

 _'What's he doing?'_ Harry wondered, following the way of one or more invisible spells towards the head table, where only six staff members were sitting, since several professors had already left for a week's holiday in a magical resort that they had won in a bet against their colleagues.

To Harry's shock and disbelief, the adults were all gone. In their place, he could see pots with various green plants. _'What the hell...?_ ' he thought, horrified. Looking back at Draco, he realised that his Slytherin classmate had already left the Great Hall together with everyone else. Only Harry's friends remained at the Gryffindor table.

An instant later, Twinkle, the headmaster's personal house-elf, popped up in front of Harry.

"Master Harry, we need yous and your friends to care for the professors until the spell wears off or you can find a counter spell," Twinkle informed the student. "We's going to prepare your common room accordingly."

 _'Oh no,'_ Harry thought, miserably, however, he knew better than to refuse the headmaster's elf's instruction. Turning to their friends, he asked them to grab one of the pots each and take them to Gryffindor.

To his relief, his friends obeyed without making a fuss. Only Ron cast a disgusted look at the plant that he held in his hand.

 _'Too bad that Neville didn't stay over the holidays. He's the only of us who really knows how to deal with plants,'_ Harry thought as he followed his housemates upstairs.

He curiously let his eyes wander around the common room that did not look very much different from normal. However, in front of each of the sofas, a small table, just large enough to house a plant, had been added.

Suddenly, the plant that was in Ron's hand, began to speak in a raspy voice, causing everyone to stare at the redhead in shock.

"The one with the power of which no one knows will reveal his secret to the leader and make the evil greenling vanish from the school."

"What?" the twins blurted out in apparent amusement.

"Ron..."

"... you must have got Trelawney..."

"... who has nothing better to do..."

"... than to utter prophecies," they sang in a funny sing-song.

"We need to evaluate the meaning of the prophecy," the plant in George's hand spoke up in a grandfatherly voice.

"Okay, but first of all," Harry threw in, firmly, "please tell us who you are, so that each of us knows whom we are responsible for. Then we can discuss the prophecy."

"I'm going to take notes," Hermione offered, readying a parchment and a quill with her free hand.

"Albus Dumbledore," George's plant replied first.

"Dolores Umbridge," the plant in Fred's hand added, causing the twins to exchange a horrified look.

"Minerva McGonagall," Hermione's plant said, making the girl smile at her plant, happily.

"Severus Snape," Harry's plant added, and whilst inwardly groaning, Harry managed to cast his plant a comforting nod.

"Sybil Trelawney," Ron's plant admitted.

"And who are you?" Ginny asked her plant in a gentle voice.

"Argus Filch" came the unexpected reply.

 _'Oh Merlin,'_ Harry thought, wondering how they'd have to care for the pants. _'I thought plants only needed water, but maybe they can tell us what they need.'_

"Harry," McGonagall spoke up, turning a burgundy red flower in his direction. "Can you first of all try to transfigure one of us back into our human form or into our Animagus form or such? Do you know the spell? Or Ms. Granger?"

"I'll do it," Harry replied, calmingly. Not wanting to harm any of his favourite professors, he pointed his wand at Umbridge and tried to transfigure her into a toad. Unfortunately, it did not work, and his most hated professor firmly remained in the form of a green plant with pink flowers. The only effect that his spell seemed to have had was that even her leaves got a pinkish touch as Harry noticed in disgust.

"This doesn't work," Hermione stated, giving her plant a questioning look.

"This itches," plant Umbridge complained, sounding very whiny. "Reverse it."

"How?" Harry enquired, causing the twins to chuckle. _'She has thorns,'_ he realised upon closely looking at the plant.

"All right, Professors, can you tell us what exactly we have to do to care for you?" Harry asked, looking at the headmaster's plant in Fred's hand in expectation.

"I need to be re-potted into a larger pot, and choose a pink one," Umbridge was the first to reply, moving her pedicels up and down in a faint attempt to emphasize her words.

"Be careful Dolores. You're hurting Mr. Weasley," Dumbledore admonished her lightly.

"I don't care," Umbridge replied and continued scratching Fred's hand and arm.

"But I do," Fred replied and put the pot onto the table next to him, before he pointed his wand at the plant, changing the colour of her flowers to dark brown and the pot to green.

"This is ugly," Umbridge immediately began to wail. "I don't like it. Reverse it."

"I'm sorry Professor, but I don't know how," Fred replied, innocently glancing at his brother.

"Does any of you have any idea what the prophecy could mean?" Dumbledore enquired, thoughtfully letting his baby blue flowers swing around like in a soft breeze.

"It sounds as if one of you were evil," George replied, chuckling, causing Ron and Ginny to look at Snape, while everyone else stared at Umbridge.

"Right now, I can't imagine what it means," McGonagall spoke up. "However, I could use a drink, and I agree with Dolores that it would be nice to be re-potted into a little larger pot. This one's a bit too confining."

"I have some withered blooms, which I'd like to have clipped please," Dumbledore added, causing Harry to nod.

"Very well," Harry spoke up, after all plants except for Trelawney, who merely complained about the brightness in the common room, had voiced their needs. Feeling sorry for Fred and Ginny, Harry decided that they should care for the plants together instead of solely being responsible for one plant. "Fred and George, please look for withered blooms or such that have to be taken off," he instructed the twins. "Ginny and Ron, please water the plants, and Hermione and I will re-pot them."

"Me first," Umbridge demanded, however, Harry's grimace made it absolutely clear for the others that their most hated professor was going to be the last in the row.

Harry called Dobby and asked him for pots in adequate sizes and colours for the adults, and the kind elf complied, immediately and with great enthusiasm. Secretly, Harry had to admit that Dobby's choice of colours was absolutely matching for each of the adults.

While Hermione eagerly began to re-pot plant McGonagall, Harry dealt with the headmaster, then with Snape, and finally Umbridge, before their friends continued with their tasks in the same order.

Later on, the plants took a nap, and Hermione fetched an armful of books from the library, which she distributed to her housemates to find a counter spell to whatever spell Draco had seen fit to cast.

Later in the evening, they once again had to water the plants, before they headed to bed, leaving the plants in the common room. Harry was the last to head to his dormitory, and before he went, he took the time to speak with each of the plants except for Umbridge for a moment to enquire if there was anything else that he could do for them before retiring for the night.

Harry was just about to drift off to sleep, glad that the day was over and wondering how long it would take before the adults were going to be back in their usual forms, when Trelawney's and Umbridge's voices penetrated his mind.

"Please switch off the lights. It's too bright to sleep," Trelawney said aloud, followed by a shriek from the Defence Against the Dark Arts professor.

"Noo, it's too dark then. Leave the lights on," Umbridge shouted.

Sighing in annoyance, Harry stepped down into the common room and with a flick of his wand extinguished all torches.

"Thank you Mr. Potter," he heard Trelawney whisper, while Umbridge began to loudly voice her complaints.

"Please be quiet, Dolores, so that everyone can sleep. Good night, Harry," Dumbledore said, gently, letting out a huge yawn.

 _'Tomorrow is Christmas Eve,'_ Harry thought, as he returned to his dormitory in relief. _'I hope we'll come up with a solution for these plants soon.'_

悪戯犬

Unfortunately, the next day passed in the same way with re-potting and unwithering the plants and watering them twice. At all other times, the students searched the books for an adequate spell, trying to calm the plants who frequently got into verbal fights with plant Umbridge.

悪戯犬

On Christmas morning, there was great uproar for the plants, when Sirius Black stepped through the fireplace to bring his godson his Christmas present. It was a puppy.

"This is Barkymort," Sirius explained. "I hope that you'll like him and that he'll remind you of me."

"Of course he will," Harry replied, absolutely delighted to have a dog.

Apparently, the puppy was equally thrilled, especially upon seeing six plants nearby, which had just the right size for him to efficiently water them. Distracted by the Marauder, the students did not even notice the puppy's action before Umbridge began to shout.

"Take that dog away," she screeched. "He peed on me."

Harry couldn't help grinning upon noticing that all the other plants' leaves were moving as if they were chuckling. He observed how Barkymort sniffed at the other plants, however, did not do anything bad to any of them.

"Good boy," he told the puppy, gently caressing the dog's neck.

"I think I got it," Hermione blurted out later that day. "We just have to modify this spell a little."

"Let's try after dinner," Harry decided. "We should begin re-potting the plants again."

Hermione agreed, and while she dealt with McGonagall, Dumbledore and Trelawney, Harry re-potted the Snape, Umbridge and Filch plants.

"What did you do to your hand?" Filch suddenly whispered, questioningly, as one of his pedicles moved close to Harry's left hand.

"Umbridge used a blood quill on me," Harry whispered back, grimly. He swiftly re-potted plant Filch into a dark blue pot, knowing by now that the Squib liked that colour, and was just about to put the pot aside, when Filch whispered again.

"If you manage to cast the spell, don't tell anyone. Transfigure me back secretly first. I'm the one about whom Trelawney made the prophecy, and when I'm back in my human form, I'll tell you everything. Don't speak with anyone about the matter though."

"All right, sir," Harry promised, feeling absolutely confused by the Squib's request.

"By the way, try 'Transferro' instead of 'Transfiguro'. I'm not sure, but that might work," Filch continued to whisper, causing Harry to stare at the plant with the dark purple leaves in disbelief.

HP

After much practising the slightly changed incantation that Harry had suggested, the students were sure that they were now able to flawlessly cast the spell.

"Shall we do it right away?" Hermione suggested, adding, "As our Christmas present to the professors?"

"No," Harry replied in a firm voice. "Do you remember the prophecy that Trelawney uttered on the first night?" Seeing everyone nod their heads, he explained that he had to transfigure Filch back first. "I think he's going to eliminate Umbridge, although I've no idea how," he explained, unsurely.

"Shall I bring him here?" Ginny suggested.

"No Ginny, we must take him out of the common room. The others shouldn't see that he's back to his usual self, before he has time to do whatever it is," Harry decided. "Let's take him out into the corridor and cast the spell at him."

Together with Hermione and Barkymort, Harry left the dormitory and crossed the common room, where he unobtrusively nodded at Filch, who spoke up in a soft voice.

"Could you please take me to see Mrs. Norris for a while? I'm sure that she'll be greatly missing me," he asked, pleadingly opening his flowers that usually remained closed overnight.

"Of course sir," Harry replied, gently and carefully scooped the pot into his arm.

"Let's go into my office," Filch whispered, once they left the common room.

"Is it all right when Hermione joins us?" Harry enquired, glancing at his girlfriend.

"Yes, if you both swear me an oath that you're not going to reveal my secret to anyone," Filch replied firmly.

悪戯犬

In the caretaker's office, Harry cast the spell at Filch, who was immediately transformed back into his human form.

Filch profusely thanked the students, before he made them swear the oath and finally revealed, "I'm not a Squib but a spy for the Department of Mysteries. I'm going to inform my colleagues about the matter with the blood quill and ask them to send an Auror, who can give Umbridge a one-way ticket to Azkaban."

"Does the headmaster know about your position?" Hermione queried, staring at the older wizard with excitement.

"Only Madam Pomfrey knows apart from the two of you, and it must remain this way," Filch replied firmly, before he pulled a wand out of a secret inner robe pocket. Speaking a few sentences in the direction of his wand, he pulled a small parchment out of the tip of his wand, and with another flick of his wand, the parchment vanished into thin air.

"Please transfigure me back into a plant and then go to bed," he finally instructed the students. "My house-elf will accompany the Aurors into the Gryffindor common room upon their arrival. None of my colleagues may know who sent them."

悪戯犬

It was several hours later that Harry woke up by a huge commotion downstairs. He cast a tempus charm at the wall, realising that it was almost morning, before he hurried to the common room, closely followed by Barkymort, who eagerly ran around the room, sniffling at each of the two Aurors as well as the plants. As usual, his greeting was accompanied by Umbridge's screech.

"Don't let him pee on me, Potter," she spat, angrily waving her body around, hurting the Aurors who tried in vain to reach out for her.

"You better leave her," Harry advised Tonks, who cast him a grateful look.

"Can you transfigure her back please?" the Auror asked, and Harry easily waved his wand over the pinkish plant, changing her to her usual self.

"Madam Umbridge, we came to question you under Veritaserum," Shacklebolt announced to the surprised witch, who immediately began to struggle against the Aurors trying to flee the common room.

However, this did not go well with Barkymort, who leaped at her and without hurting her made her sit on the floor in fright, so that Tonks could easily administer the Veritaserum.

The questioning took no more than five minutes, before Shacklebolt pressed a Portkey into Umbridge's hand that sent her to Azkaban - not without letting out another shriek, as Barkymort used his last chance to relief himself at the woman of whom he knew that his owner despised her.

悪戯犬

"Excuse me, Tonks and Kingsley, but who sent you here?" Dumbledore spoke up in clear surprise at the early morning's events.

"The Department of Mysteries," the Aurors replied, shrugging. "If they tell us someone deserves a one-way ticket to Azkaban, then it's going to happen," Tonks added, smirking.

"Very well then, will you please change all of us back now?" Snape queried, stretching a black flower towards Harry in expectation.

"Of course sir," Harry replied and subsequently waved his wand at Dumbledore, McGonagall, Snape, Trelawney and Filch in a quick motion.

"Thank you Harry for all that you and your friends have done for us during these three days," Dumbledore spoke up, thoughtfully stroking his beard. "I suggest that we pretend Christmas day being today and gather in the Great Hall for Christmas breakfast in an hour," he suggested, before he turned to leave the common room, fingering for a lemon drop in his robe pocket as he went.

悪戯犬

An hour later, Harry walked towards the Great Hall, his left arm gently laid around Hermione's back and closely followed by Barkymort, looking forward to finally be able to enjoy his holidays together with his girlfriend.

"And knowing that Umbridge isn't at Hogwarts anymore," Hermione added to his loud thoughts, before she stopped walking and leaned over to pull Harry into a passionate kiss.

 **The End**


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